Love.

Today, I want to talk about love.
(Possible trigger warnings but it gets sweet in the end)

It hurts, doesn't it. When you love someone but they don't return your feelings. It feels hopeless, doesn't it.

But it doesn't have to be like that.

There will always, always, be someone who loves you. It doesn't have to be an intimate love, like so many people yearn for. It's your family, your friends, your teachers, your co-workers, your pets. It's the little things that matter.
It's asking how your day was, offering to buy you a hot chocolate on a cold day, letting you have their left over McDonald's fries, walking you home when it's out of their way, and so on.

That sort of love, in my mind, is more important than any kind of intimate love.

And that's the love I feel for all of my little darlings. ♡

Today I want to tell you, that I know it can be hard and that you're going through a rough patch in your life. I don't know your name, your story, your experiences, you likes and dislikes, but I know that I love you very much. And I'm very proud of you for trying in this evil world.
Life will beat you down, like it beats everyone down, and all I ask of you my darling, is to please get back up. Every time you get back up, you get stronger, and the world gets weaker.
Its okay if it's hard to get up, and you stay down for a while. If that's the best you can do for now, then I'm proud of you.
If you ever need me my darlings, my email is little.kiwi.girl3@gmail.com and I'll be here for you. ♡
Whenever you feel abandoned or alone, remember that I'm here for you darlings. ♡

Peer pressure from those who are supposed to help.

Possible trigger warnings, don't read unless you feel up to it darling. ♡

So I've only ever had one therapist that I trusted, and years ago she went on maternity leave. Before she left, she told her replacement, "Don't push Angel into anything. Don't force her to come or appointments, or make decisions for her. She's stubborn, and is very opinionated. If you do any of these, it'll do more harm to her than good."
That therapist had to learn that the hard way, she started trying to force me into more appointments but I skipped every one of them. She learned that it was better to do things on my own terms, or there's nothing to discuss.

But my current therapist isn't living up to this.

I've skipped appointments and ignored her for almost a month, because the last time I saw her she brought me to tears because she wouldn't stop trying to force me to do something I didn't want to do.

Tomorrow I'm going to have a meeting with her, and tell her to stop forcing me into thing I don't want to do. I'll try to make it as civil as possible.
But, knowing my foul temper, if she pushes too hard I'll happily tell her where she can stick it. Right up her butt!

(sigh), I'm sorry my darlings that I haven't been posting recently. I've been having a hard time putting my thoughts into words.
And I'm sorry that my first post in a while is so negative.

I promise, I'll post something cute tomorrow. ♡
Have a good night my darling, I love you. Stay strong, for us both. ♡

And I'm officially back on the meds.

Hello my lovelies.
Today I went back on my meds, after nearly a month without.
If there was only one piece of advice I could ever give, the most important thing I think you should know, it would be to not skip out on your antidepressants.

Sure you might not think they work, or they taste gross, or its too much hassle, keep taking them anyway.

The withdrawal symptoms are worse.

I'm a pretty healthy person, besides all my internal chemicals.
That's one of the reasons why I have depression. I get pretty bad headaches and dizzy spells every few days, it's normal for me.
But those, toppled with chemically withdrawal, is hell!

So today my darlings, I ask you to please keep taking your medication. The happiness is worth the hassle. ♡

I love you, stay strong beautiful. ♡

Update; I think I've done a bad thing.

So about 20-30 minutes after I posted my "I think I've done something bad" rant, my boyfriends brother came home.

Apparently, he had come home while we were out in town, and had left to go visit a Games Club in another town.

So, put bluntly, the little turd ran off to say Dungeons and Dragons without telling my boyfriend where he was going.

So luckily it wasn't anyone's fault but his.

That's a massive load off my mind.

I think I've done a bad thing.

So, as you probably know from some of my other posts, I'm currently dating my first boyfriend.
We've been together for about 18 months, so a year and a half.

Today I spent the day at his house, we were mostly home alone. So, like most teenagers with nothing to hold us back, we had...how to put it...some special alone time.

My boyfriend has two siblings, a brother and a sister. His sister has been away for a few weeks, she's been in hospital because of a bad reaction to medication. His brother stays at home most of the time, today he was working.

I have a suspicion that he came home while we were doing it, and perhaps he left to see a friend to wait it out.

However, the time where I live is 1:25am.
We were "shaking the bed" at 4-ish.

His brother has been gone for 9 hours, my boyfriend hasn't been able to contact him at all.

I feel sick to my core. If anything has happened to him, (mind you he's walking not driving), I'd feel so unbelievably horrible.

I've been barely able to keep my anxiety in check, and I'm too worried to sleep.

I apologise for my anxiety ramble, I just needed to get this off my chest before I exploded.
I'm so unbelievably nervous, I doubt I'll sleep tonight.

Today's topic; gratitude.

Today I realised as I rode the bus home from school, that there isn't enough gratitude in the world.

I don't talk to my bus drivers much, but I enjoy the small jokes and talks we have. One of my drivers, an Irish guy, is always making jokes about how I'm the late one and how he's never seen be apart from my boyfriend. I love joking with him.
My other driver is a bit more grumpy, we've talked about how rude the younger riders are and how there's no thank you's.

So I always make it my mission to say thank you when they drop me off, and to say good morning when they pick me up. It isn't much, but it's more than the other commuters are giving.

Today, what I ask of you is to be grateful. If you catch a bus, smile and say thank you. If you ride a bike or walk, wave to the drivers who let you cross the road. If you drive, let the pedestrians cross if the road is busy and they don't have any other openings to cross.

Just a little bit of gratitude can go a long way, and it can mean a lot to people.

Like how grateful I am of you darlings, for fighting the fight and holding on. As always, I'm proud of you for doing a good job. ♡

To those who don't understand mental illness, let me tell you a thing!

This post is being made out of frustration from one of my friends, who means well but doesn't understand.

If you have someone like him, or want to show someone more about their mental illness, be a gem and link it to them. ♡

Now, lets get down to business!
(to defeat the huns)

Mental illness isn't a choice. I can't name a single person who would wake up one morning and think, "today I think I'm gonna be depressed."
In saying that, I wouldn't want anyone to choose that. If someone tried to be depressed, I would smack them so hard! (fyi, I'm a first degree black belt, so that would be one hell of a smack)

Mental illness isn't something we can switch on and off either. Sure, we can be happy sometimes and sad other times. We don't pick and choose, it just happens. You might be at a party with your friends, eating cake and ice-cream, and you could be the saddest you've felt all year. You didn't choose to be sad then, you just are.

That being said, you can't force happiness onto us either. It's a nice gesture to say "awh, no need to be sad, cheer up", but if you push it any more than that, then you deserve a smack.
Suffering from a mental illness, like depression, can sometimes be like having an extra voice in your mind. It whispers to you, its voice can seem as rich and smooth as honey when you're unhappy. But in reality, it's trying to lure you into doing thing you know you'll regret but can't fight.
So, having depression trying to convince you suicide is a good idea, having your own mind telling you it's not, and having someone trying to force you to be happy is just too much.

Because of all the thoughts pushing through our minds, we're too tired to keep up much of a fight.

Another thing about sadness, is that it's complete different to depression.
Sadness, you have a reason and it can pass by relatively quickly. Depression is different. Sometimes you don't know what your trigger is, and how long it'll take for you to be okay.
That's another reason why we can't be forced to be happy, sometimes we just can't be happy.

However, what you can do for someone with depression is to distract them from their extra voices.
If they don't want it, don't force them.
But, if they don't explicitly tell you to stop, go ahead!
Talk about shows they like, suggest books to them, make them a cup of tea, tell them that embarrassing thing a teacher said, watch weird or random YouTube videos with them, anything to distract them from their own mind.

If you can do those things, then you're being a good friend.
If you can't, either learn to or piss off. It can be sweet, but sometimes it's better if you don't hang around them until you can learn to help your friend.

Being a helpful friend, you might just stop your friends suicide tonight.

~~~~

If you ever need to have a supportive friend, email me on little.kiwi.girl3@gmail.com

I'll always be here my darlings, just hold on. ♡

Can I ask a favour?

I don't really mind what happens to this blog, as long as I can keep posting as a form of therapy, and help people then I'm happy. ♡

But, I want to be able to reach more people, make some friends and help out others in similar situations. ♡

So, now I pose a question.

What sort of stuff should I post about? More advice, more rants, about my day, what? ♡

I'd love to know, I want to be able to branch out to a wider community and help even a little. ♡

Thanks again my darlings, you look stunning today. ♡

Just one word of kindness can make a person's day. ♡

This isn't just for people who suffer though misery.

Everyone deserves to have something nice said to them.

Out of all my posts in my entire blog, I've only gotten one comment. I don't mind, I'm just happy that I can post my thoughts and feelings and advice.
But, this girl told me that my blog meant a lot to her.

That means a lot to me, knowing that I can help someone that might need it.

I had a friend once. We met at a Summer School program, where we got to attend a University for two weeks. He said, "Everybody, in their own way, is incredibly special. And a smile, and a few kind words, can mean a lot."
He was the sweetest little studmuffin I've ever met, and he's not wrong.

Today, I ask you darlings to say a nice thing to someone. You never know, it could be the one thing that made their day. ♡

I love you my darlings, I hope you all have a good day. ♡

Music Advice. ♡

So I came to a conclusion recently.

The way I cope with my depression falls heavily on what sort of music listen to.

I mostly listen to Black Veil Brides and My Chemical Romance, but I listen to an array of other things too.

So, today, I want to talk about the music you chose to listen to when you're feeling depressed.

**clears throat**

When you're down in the dumps, you want to know that you're not the only one feeling these feelings. And that's a completely normal thing to do.
However, sometimes that can do more harm than good.
Personally, my depression has been acting up recently. It's been getting harder to manage by myself, so I've been listening to A LOT of Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge.
After looking through my iTunes and remembering I hadn't listening to BVB's newest album much, I listened to Heart of Fire.
I realised then that my music effects my depression.
Black Veil Brides makes me feel powerful, and Andy's screams helps to calm me down because I feel like he's screaming out for me.
Whereas My Chemical Romance makes me feel normal, like it's okay to be miserable sometimes. And it's okay to not be okay.

But because I had been listening to so much My Chem, my mind wasn't controlling my depression as much because it kept thinking that it's okay to be miserable.

All I can say is...oops.

So, now for the advice part of this rant.

Sit down and think about the music you listen to. Think about how the vocalists voice makes you feel, how the guitars make you relaxed, how the drums rock you to sleep.
Think about all these things, and consider, "is this the sort of music I should be listening to right now?"

If the answer is no, then listen to another band or find a new one. Change it up, or change kid pace. You'll find that it can really change how you think about your depression. ♡

If the answer is yes, then listening away my darling. ♡
And please try to remember what I said when the answer is no.

You music should be helping you, not making your depression take control.

Its okay my darling, it'll get better soon. ♡
And your music will help that. ♡

I'm sorry about my inability to post. ♡

A lot has been happening recently, and I've been finding little time to blog anymore.

For that, I apologise.

To show you how sincere I am, I'm going to post pictures of my recent drawings to show you guys. ♡

I wouldn't call myself an artist, and I'm a little embarrassed by them. But here we go.

~~~~~

If I don't keep up with my blogging, and you want to tell me off or want to have a chat, email me.
little.kiwi.girl3@gmail.com

I'm only able to check them on weekdays, but I'm pretty fast at replying. ♡
I'm here for you my darlings, even if I don't update. ♡

He's been playing his video games more than he's been talking to me at school.

The only time I get to spend time with my boyfriend is at lunch at school, after school on Wednesday, and on the weekend every two weeks.

And recently, he's been playing his stupid video games more than he's been paying attention to me.

We have a friendship group of about 12, and most of them have been ignoring me recently because I'm a miserable piece of shit. My boyfriend is the only one who consistently talks to me at lunch and now I'm losing him too.

This is unfair, I don't have any classes with him so all I want is to talk to him at lunch.

This isn't fair.

Why are teachers so cruel?

I'm stuck in psychology at school, because there aren't any other subjects I can go into.

I recently missed an important SAC because I had to have a meeting with a group of counsellors and therapists about being on suicide watch.

My psych teacher has been really rude to me since and is always really harsh towards me when I talk to her.

Oh, I'm sorry that I wanted to die Mrs Watson, it's so rude of me to not think about my grades when my depression is trying to kill me.
You're absolutely right, it's unacceptable of me to sleek help and stop trying to kill myself.
Because, obviously, GRADES ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY LIFE.

Antisocial family and raging hormones.

I don't bring my boyfriend to my house much, because my family would treat him poorly.

So I go to his house a lot.

His family are kinda antisocial. His two siblings, 16 and 21, have Asperger's syndrome - if you don't know what that is I'll provide a link.

So, knowing that, the only time they leave the house is for school and work.

Nick and I have been...how to put it gently........extremely romantically active...for a while now and he likes to do some...stuff...whenever we can because it's good for my depression.

Well, woopdeedoo, they can hear us through the walls.

I'm not saying Nick and I have crazy, animal sex. We've had sex, but we don't do it often. We mostly do handsy stuff, since that can be quiet.

But they can still hear it.

Today, one of Nicks sisters-friend told me how she complains a lot about how she can hear everything we say and do. I obviously told him we do it to creep her out most of the time.
My sister-in-law, so to speak, and I don't actually get along. We like a few bands, we both do art, we both like the same teachers, we're both depressed, that's all we have in common. I don't like her, because she's a rude human to everyone.

Look, I don't care what she thinks or says. I stopped caring a long time ago.

But she should complain to this friend, who I'm kinda fond of, and tell him things that aren't important to him.

Honestly, she makes me so angry.

Who needs friends when I have coffee?

Half of my so called "best friends" have been really horrible towards me since I started dating my boyfriend, and have been especially horrible since year 12 because I am having a hard time at school.

Who needs them when I have my regular coffee shop?

At least they'll always be there to support me.

Out of the frying pan, and into hell.

School is finally over for the day, which is all well and good.
But do you know what that means?

Time to go back home.

Everyone always says that they'd rather be at home than at school, I would rather neither.
All I want is to go home with my boyfriend every day, to spend time with him and play video games with him, and fall asleep beside him.

But, we can't always get what we want.

This is my final year of school, the last year of my seemingly eternal hell. All I have to do is get a job, finish school, move out and live with him.

Not too hard, right?

Wrong.

No no one in my town ever hires, and when they are they never hire me because I'm not pretty enough, because my hair is short like I boys, cause my boobs are too small, because I dress in black and because I don't dress like a whore.

Ah well, there's naught to be done my darlings. I just have to try harder. ♥

Why do I always feel sick at school?

Since class started, I've felt so sick that I could possibly vomit at any moment.
The fact that my pants are way too tight around my stomach doesn't help, but I don't understand why this happens every day!

Do any of you feel like this too?

School stinks.

I've been at school for exactly 5 minutes and I've already managed to embarrass myself and look like I moron in front of one of my friends - to whom I'm having a hard time with because she's been a pretty shit friend.

Bravo, Angel, good job.

Well, hopefully it won't get any worse. I've run out of medication and need to buy more, so we'll have to wait and see.

Wish me luck, my darlings. I hope you're all doing well with your schooling, it'll get better soon. ♥

It gets so hard sometimes.

It's gets really hard, you know?
It gets really hard to keep on trying and to hold on.

People keep kicking you down and pushing your face into the dirt.

And sometimes, you just want to stay there. You want to lay on the ground and turn into dirt so you never have to get up again.

People tell you to just get up, and that it's not so hard.
But sometimes it feels like there's a thousand tonnes on your back, like you're being weighed down with all your pain and all your hurt.

Right now, I know exactly how that feels. I just want to go to sleep forever, and never have to wake up. I'm not dead, but I won't be alive either.
I'll be motionless, trapped it a state of bliss for all eternity.

But I know, I can't be like this.

I need to try to get back up again, no matter how hard it is, no matter how long it takes, and no matter how many people kick me down again.

Because I know there are people who want me to keep getting up, no, need me to keep getting up.

I'll do it again, and again, and again, for as long as I need to.

You'll find those people one day, it might seem hopeless and hard but you will. You'll find people who need you just as much as I do.

Remember my darling, you just need to soldier on. You're doing such a good job. I believe in you. ♥

I miss this.

I've been having a really bad hankering to listen to Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, especially Thank You For The Venom.
I really miss My Chem, I'll always treasure what they've taught me and what they've given me. ♥
But, I think what I miss most of all is artists like Gerard. He used music to help his chronic depression, and I admired that most about him. He made me feel like somehow...I was normal. No matter who comes and goes in my life, Gerard will always be my hero. ♥

If you feel the same, I'm here for you darling. ♥

Why can't people be grateful?

I like to think I'm grateful for what I have.
I've lived in some pretty shit situations in my life. I've been homeless, lived in motels, jumped from different relatives houses for weeks, lived in single room houses and currently live in a house that could be sold from under me at any time.

I'm happy with what I have. I have four walls and a roof and I have food sometimes. Only when Mum has extra money and has already bought her daily alcohol.

There are things I would like to have, like internet and a working car and maybe some money to buy

But my family is never happy. They always want, want, want. They want an Xbox, they want a big house, they want computers, they want iPods, they want toys, they want everything.

I'm happier than the rest of family, and I'm on suicide watch.

Oh the irony.

What is help?

Help. Verb.
"to make it easier or possible for (someone) to do something by offering them one's services or resources."

That is the exact definition of help.
Simple, right?

Apparently, not.

My Mother seems to think that she's helping me by belittling me, yelling at me, and acting like I'm the core reason why I'm depressed.
All I tried to do was ask her to have a meeting with my school about making year 12 easier for me, and all I got what that I'm "too dependant", "I never try to help myself", "can't do anything without being told to do it" and "too secretive".

I don't understand why she treats me like this when I ask for help. It's nothing that's going to effect her life drastically, so I don't see a problem.

What do you think, darlings? Am I being too dependant?

Dear Diary...life sucks.

Tomorrow I head back to school. Back to year twelve, and back to the worst stress imaginable.
I only ever have depression breakdowns during school terms, so I'm not looking forward to it.
I just wish there was some way to make my last year of high school easier...
Nothing would make me happier...

Things I like to do when sad. ♥

To help you get to know me, or to help you if you need it, I'm going to tell you what I do when I'm sad to cheer myself up. ♥

#1: watch anime.
Anime isn't for everyone, I know that pretty well. So, if you don't like anime, replace it with a tv show or movie.
I like to watch funny anime or something I can immerse myself in. Things like Kuroku no Basuket, Fairy Tail, WataMote, Hetalia, Death Note, Highschool DxD, anything like that.
(Yeah I said DxD, I'm a pervert and proud)
Just watch something you enjoy, and something you could never get tired of. ♥

#2: Make paper cranes.
I also know that origami isn't for everyone, but it's a very good brain exercise and I suggest everyone should try it at least once in their lives.
I first learned to make them after I read the book, 'Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes'. It's mainly a kids book. I was inspired to make them as a child, so making them when I'm sad brings back very fond memories for me. ♥

#3: Listen to music.
And I don't mean sad songs from Simple Plan or Evanescence. You can listen to them, but not the sad stuff like Welcome to my Life.
Listen to your favourite band or singer, but some of their happier works. I like to listen to Na Na Na Na or In The End or She's So Perfect or something like that. Anything that you're into. ♥

#4: Drink tea.
Yeah, not everyone likes tea. Maybe a hot chocolate, or coffee, or just warm milk. I think that a nice, warm beverage helps everything. I always drink tea when I'm sad, stressed, depressed, or anything negative.

#5: Talk to people who understand.
Not everyone has something like this, so that's when I suggest you talk to a professional or someone online who is going through the same thing. Stay safe online though. ♥
My person to talk to is my boyfriend, Nick. He was the one who took me to see doctors about depression and his family supports me for it. To be honest, he knows what I'm like when I'm depressed better than anyone else.
We barely talk about anything important, he just tries to distract me from my misery without triggering me. And that's all you need.
I'll always be here, if you need me to be your someone. ♥

Well, I think that's enough advise for the night, its getting pretty late.

As always, I love you darling and you're doing a good job. ♥

Humans confuse me.

Why do people go looking for fights?
It's not fair, and they fight over the smallest things. The worst part is, why are people so easily offended?
I get mistaken for a boy all the time because have short hair, and I think it's kinda funny. I hear my Mum argue with people over the phone because she jokingly said she'd marry her best friend.
It's not hurting anyone, it's just a simple mistake or joke, it doesn't need to get so far.
Sure, sticks and stones may break your bones but words can permanently scar you, but jokes are just jokes. Jokes that are specifically designed to hurt people are called insults.

Sometimes, people need to learn the difference.

If you struggle through this, I know those feelings. Ignore them, stop talking to them, or block them, their anger isn't worth it darling. ♥

Migraines will be the end of me...

Living with a constantly drunk 40 year old, a 10 year old with a bad attitude and a 9 year old who is mentally disabled isn't easy on my migraines.
I swear, I have one every day.

Besides pain killers, what do you guys do to fix up a migraine?

You're okay baby. ♥

Get to know my situation...

Please don't read if you trigger about families. ♥

I live in an unsupportive family. My Mum is in denial about my depression and is mentally abusive. I have to pay for all my medication with my own pocket money, and I have no Dad in my house.
My two little siblings are under the age of 12, so they don't understand.
The only support I have is from my boyfriend of one year, Nicholas.
But, I'm fighting hard to survive and I'm doing my best.
If you're in a similar situation, I'm always here for you. ♥
Come ask for help whenever you need. ♥

An important note to you guys. ♥

If you're reading this, know this.

I think you're a very interesting person, with all your quirks and interests. ♥
You're really pretty too, those are very beautiful eyes you have. ♥
And that butt? What a cute butt. ♥
I might not know you, but I love you very much. You're an important person in someone's life, and by reading this you become important in my life too. ♥
Stay strong darlings, you're doing a good job. ♥

Love, Angel. ♡

Welcome to my mind.

Well, this is my first day blogging my dark mind.
This is where I truly introduce myself to the world.

I don't want to provide my real name, like L from Death Note, so you guys can call me by my nickname. I'm Angel. Nice to meet you.
I'm 17, and I'm from hell.

I don't know what else to say, if you want to know something else about me feel free to comment it.

If you need any help at all, please ask me. I'll always be there for you. ♥