Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Why are teachers so cruel?

I'm stuck in psychology at school, because there aren't any other subjects I can go into.

I recently missed an important SAC because I had to have a meeting with a group of counsellors and therapists about being on suicide watch.

My psych teacher has been really rude to me since and is always really harsh towards me when I talk to her.

Oh, I'm sorry that I wanted to die Mrs Watson, it's so rude of me to not think about my grades when my depression is trying to kill me.
You're absolutely right, it's unacceptable of me to sleek help and stop trying to kill myself.

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Antisocial family and raging hormones.

I don't bring my boyfriend to my house much, because my family would treat him poorly.

So I go to his house a lot.

His family are kinda antisocial. His two siblings, 16 and 21, have Asperger's syndrome - if you don't know what that is I'll provide a link.

So, knowing that, the only time they leave the house is for school and work.

Nick and I have to put it gently........extremely romantically active...for a while now and he likes to do some...stuff...whenever we can because it's good for my depression.

Well, woopdeedoo, they can hear us through the walls.

I'm not saying Nick and I have crazy, animal sex. We've had sex, but we don't do it often. We mostly do handsy stuff, since that can be quiet.

But they can still hear it.

Today, one of Nicks sisters-friend told me how she complains a lot about how she can hear everything we say and do. I obviously told him we do it to creep her out most of the time.
My sister-in-law, so to speak, and I don't actually get along. We like a few bands, we both do art, we both like the same teachers, we're both depressed, that's all we have in common. I don't like her, because she's a rude human to everyone.

Look, I don't care what she thinks or says. I stopped caring a long time ago.

But she should complain to this friend, who I'm kinda fond of, and tell him things that aren't important to him.

Honestly, she makes me so angry.

Monday, 13 April 2015

Who needs friends when I have coffee?

Half of my so called "best friends" have been really horrible towards me since I started dating my boyfriend, and have been especially horrible since year 12 because I am having a hard time at school.

Who needs them when I have my regular coffee shop?

At least they'll always be there to support me.

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Out of the frying pan, and into hell.

School is finally over for the day, which is all well and good.
But do you know what that means?

Time to go back home.

Everyone always says that they'd rather be at home than at school, I would rather neither.
All I want is to go home with my boyfriend every day, to spend time with him and play video games with him, and fall asleep beside him.

But, we can't always get what we want.

This is my final year of school, the last year of my seemingly eternal hell. All I have to do is get a job, finish school, move out and live with him.

Not too hard, right?


No no one in my town ever hires, and when they are they never hire me because I'm not pretty enough, because my hair is short like I boys, cause my boobs are too small, because I dress in black and because I don't dress like a whore.

Ah well, there's naught to be done my darlings. I just have to try harder. ♥

Why do I always feel sick at school?

Since class started, I've felt so sick that I could possibly vomit at any moment.
The fact that my pants are way too tight around my stomach doesn't help, but I don't understand why this happens every day!

Do any of you feel like this too?

School stinks.

I've been at school for exactly 5 minutes and I've already managed to embarrass myself and look like I moron in front of one of my friends - to whom I'm having a hard time with because she's been a pretty shit friend.

Bravo, Angel, good job.

Well, hopefully it won't get any worse. I've run out of medication and need to buy more, so we'll have to wait and see.

Wish me luck, my darlings. I hope you're all doing well with your schooling, it'll get better soon. ♥

It gets so hard sometimes.

It's gets really hard, you know?
It gets really hard to keep on trying and to hold on.

People keep kicking you down and pushing your face into the dirt.

And sometimes, you just want to stay there. You want to lay on the ground and turn into dirt so you never have to get up again.

People tell you to just get up, and that it's not so hard.
But sometimes it feels like there's a thousand tonnes on your back, like you're being weighed down with all your pain and all your hurt.

Right now, I know exactly how that feels. I just want to go to sleep forever, and never have to wake up. I'm not dead, but I won't be alive either.
I'll be motionless, trapped it a state of bliss for all eternity.

But I know, I can't be like this.

I need to try to get back up again, no matter how hard it is, no matter how long it takes, and no matter how many people kick me down again.

Because I know there are people who want me to keep getting up, no, need me to keep getting up.

I'll do it again, and again, and again, for as long as I need to.

You'll find those people one day, it might seem hopeless and hard but you will. You'll find people who need you just as much as I do.

Remember my darling, you just need to soldier on. You're doing such a good job. I believe in you. ♥

I miss this.

I've been having a really bad hankering to listen to Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, especially Thank You For The Venom.
I really miss My Chem, I'll always treasure what they've taught me and what they've given me. ♥
But, I think what I miss most of all is artists like Gerard. He used music to help his chronic depression, and I admired that most about him. He made me feel like somehow...I was normal. No matter who comes and goes in my life, Gerard will always be my hero. ♥

If you feel the same, I'm here for you darling. ♥

Why can't people be grateful?

I like to think I'm grateful for what I have.
I've lived in some pretty shit situations in my life. I've been homeless, lived in motels, jumped from different relatives houses for weeks, lived in single room houses and currently live in a house that could be sold from under me at any time.

I'm happy with what I have. I have four walls and a roof and I have food sometimes. Only when Mum has extra money and has already bought her daily alcohol.

There are things I would like to have, like internet and a working car and maybe some money to buy

But my family is never happy. They always want, want, want. They want an Xbox, they want a big house, they want computers, they want iPods, they want toys, they want everything.

I'm happier than the rest of family, and I'm on suicide watch.

Oh the irony.

Saturday, 11 April 2015

What is help?

Help. Verb.
"to make it easier or possible for (someone) to do something by offering them one's services or resources."

That is the exact definition of help.
Simple, right?

Apparently, not.

My Mother seems to think that she's helping me by belittling me, yelling at me, and acting like I'm the core reason why I'm depressed.
All I tried to do was ask her to have a meeting with my school about making year 12 easier for me, and all I got what that I'm "too dependant", "I never try to help myself", "can't do anything without being told to do it" and "too secretive".

I don't understand why she treats me like this when I ask for help. It's nothing that's going to effect her life drastically, so I don't see a problem.

What do you think, darlings? Am I being too dependant?

Dear sucks.

Tomorrow I head back to school. Back to year twelve, and back to the worst stress imaginable.
I only ever have depression breakdowns during school terms, so I'm not looking forward to it.
I just wish there was some way to make my last year of high school easier...
Nothing would make me happier...

Things I like to do when sad. ♥

To help you get to know me, or to help you if you need it, I'm going to tell you what I do when I'm sad to cheer myself up. ♥

#1: watch anime.
Anime isn't for everyone, I know that pretty well. So, if you don't like anime, replace it with a tv show or movie.
I like to watch funny anime or something I can immerse myself in. Things like Kuroku no Basuket, Fairy Tail, WataMote, Hetalia, Death Note, Highschool DxD, anything like that.
(Yeah I said DxD, I'm a pervert and proud)
Just watch something you enjoy, and something you could never get tired of. ♥

#2: Make paper cranes.
I also know that origami isn't for everyone, but it's a very good brain exercise and I suggest everyone should try it at least once in their lives.
I first learned to make them after I read the book, 'Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes'. It's mainly a kids book. I was inspired to make them as a child, so making them when I'm sad brings back very fond memories for me. ♥

#3: Listen to music.
And I don't mean sad songs from Simple Plan or Evanescence. You can listen to them, but not the sad stuff like Welcome to my Life.
Listen to your favourite band or singer, but some of their happier works. I like to listen to Na Na Na Na or In The End or She's So Perfect or something like that. Anything that you're into. ♥

#4: Drink tea.
Yeah, not everyone likes tea. Maybe a hot chocolate, or coffee, or just warm milk. I think that a nice, warm beverage helps everything. I always drink tea when I'm sad, stressed, depressed, or anything negative.

#5: Talk to people who understand.
Not everyone has something like this, so that's when I suggest you talk to a professional or someone online who is going through the same thing. Stay safe online though. ♥
My person to talk to is my boyfriend, Nick. He was the one who took me to see doctors about depression and his family supports me for it. To be honest, he knows what I'm like when I'm depressed better than anyone else.
We barely talk about anything important, he just tries to distract me from my misery without triggering me. And that's all you need.
I'll always be here, if you need me to be your someone. ♥

Well, I think that's enough advise for the night, its getting pretty late.

As always, I love you darling and you're doing a good job. ♥

Humans confuse me.

Why do people go looking for fights?
It's not fair, and they fight over the smallest things. The worst part is, why are people so easily offended?
I get mistaken for a boy all the time because have short hair, and I think it's kinda funny. I hear my Mum argue with people over the phone because she jokingly said she'd marry her best friend.
It's not hurting anyone, it's just a simple mistake or joke, it doesn't need to get so far.
Sure, sticks and stones may break your bones but words can permanently scar you, but jokes are just jokes. Jokes that are specifically designed to hurt people are called insults.

Sometimes, people need to learn the difference.

If you struggle through this, I know those feelings. Ignore them, stop talking to them, or block them, their anger isn't worth it darling. ♥

Migraines will be the end of me...

Living with a constantly drunk 40 year old, a 10 year old with a bad attitude and a 9 year old who is mentally disabled isn't easy on my migraines.
I swear, I have one every day.

Besides pain killers, what do you guys do to fix up a migraine?

You're okay baby. ♥

Friday, 10 April 2015

Get to know my situation...

Please don't read if you trigger about families. ♥

I live in an unsupportive family. My Mum is in denial about my depression and is mentally abusive. I have to pay for all my medication with my own pocket money, and I have no Dad in my house.
My two little siblings are under the age of 12, so they don't understand.
The only support I have is from my boyfriend of one year, Nicholas.
But, I'm fighting hard to survive and I'm doing my best.
If you're in a similar situation, I'm always here for you. ♥
Come ask for help whenever you need. ♥

An important note to you guys. ♥

If you're reading this, know this.

I think you're a very interesting person, with all your quirks and interests. ♥
You're really pretty too, those are very beautiful eyes you have. ♥
And that butt? What a cute butt. ♥
I might not know you, but I love you very much. You're an important person in someone's life, and by reading this you become important in my life too. ♥
Stay strong darlings, you're doing a good job. ♥

Love, Angel. ♡

Welcome to my mind.

Well, this is my first day blogging my dark mind.
This is where I truly introduce myself to the world.

I don't want to provide my real name, like L from Death Note, so you guys can call me by my nickname. I'm Angel. Nice to meet you.
I'm 17, and I'm from hell.

I don't know what else to say, if you want to know something else about me feel free to comment it.

If you need any help at all, please ask me. I'll always be there for you. ♥