And I'm officially back on the meds.

Hello my lovelies.
Today I went back on my meds, after nearly a month without.
If there was only one piece of advice I could ever give, the most important thing I think you should know, it would be to not skip out on your antidepressants.

Sure you might not think they work, or they taste gross, or its too much hassle, keep taking them anyway.

The withdrawal symptoms are worse.

I'm a pretty healthy person, besides all my internal chemicals.
That's one of the reasons why I have depression. I get pretty bad headaches and dizzy spells every few days, it's normal for me.
But those, toppled with chemically withdrawal, is hell!

So today my darlings, I ask you to please keep taking your medication. The happiness is worth the hassle. ♡

I love you, stay strong beautiful. ♡

Update; I think I've done a bad thing.

So about 20-30 minutes after I posted my "I think I've done something bad" rant, my boyfriends brother came home.

Apparently, he had come home while we were out in town, and had left to go visit a Games Club in another town.

So, put bluntly, the little turd ran off to say Dungeons and Dragons without telling my boyfriend where he was going.

So luckily it wasn't anyone's fault but his.

That's a massive load off my mind.

I think I've done a bad thing.

So, as you probably know from some of my other posts, I'm currently dating my first boyfriend.
We've been together for about 18 months, so a year and a half.

Today I spent the day at his house, we were mostly home alone. So, like most teenagers with nothing to hold us back, we had...how to put it...some special alone time.

My boyfriend has two siblings, a brother and a sister. His sister has been away for a few weeks, she's been in hospital because of a bad reaction to medication. His brother stays at home most of the time, today he was working.

I have a suspicion that he came home while we were doing it, and perhaps he left to see a friend to wait it out.

However, the time where I live is 1:25am.
We were "shaking the bed" at 4-ish.

His brother has been gone for 9 hours, my boyfriend hasn't been able to contact him at all.

I feel sick to my core. If anything has happened to him, (mind you he's walking not driving), I'd feel so unbelievably horrible.

I've been barely able to keep my anxiety in check, and I'm too worried to sleep.

I apologise for my anxiety ramble, I just needed to get this off my chest before I exploded.
I'm so unbelievably nervous, I doubt I'll sleep tonight.

Today's topic; gratitude.

Today I realised as I rode the bus home from school, that there isn't enough gratitude in the world.

I don't talk to my bus drivers much, but I enjoy the small jokes and talks we have. One of my drivers, an Irish guy, is always making jokes about how I'm the late one and how he's never seen be apart from my boyfriend. I love joking with him.
My other driver is a bit more grumpy, we've talked about how rude the younger riders are and how there's no thank you's.

So I always make it my mission to say thank you when they drop me off, and to say good morning when they pick me up. It isn't much, but it's more than the other commuters are giving.

Today, what I ask of you is to be grateful. If you catch a bus, smile and say thank you. If you ride a bike or walk, wave to the drivers who let you cross the road. If you drive, let the pedestrians cross if the road is busy and they don't have any other openings to cross.

Just a little bit of gratitude can go a long way, and it can mean a lot to people.

Like how grateful I am of you darlings, for fighting the fight and holding on. As always, I'm proud of you for doing a good job. ♡

To those who don't understand mental illness, let me tell you a thing!

This post is being made out of frustration from one of my friends, who means well but doesn't understand.

If you have someone like him, or want to show someone more about their mental illness, be a gem and link it to them. ♡

Now, lets get down to business!
(to defeat the huns)

Mental illness isn't a choice. I can't name a single person who would wake up one morning and think, "today I think I'm gonna be depressed."
In saying that, I wouldn't want anyone to choose that. If someone tried to be depressed, I would smack them so hard! (fyi, I'm a first degree black belt, so that would be one hell of a smack)

Mental illness isn't something we can switch on and off either. Sure, we can be happy sometimes and sad other times. We don't pick and choose, it just happens. You might be at a party with your friends, eating cake and ice-cream, and you could be the saddest you've felt all year. You didn't choose to be sad then, you just are.

That being said, you can't force happiness onto us either. It's a nice gesture to say "awh, no need to be sad, cheer up", but if you push it any more than that, then you deserve a smack.
Suffering from a mental illness, like depression, can sometimes be like having an extra voice in your mind. It whispers to you, its voice can seem as rich and smooth as honey when you're unhappy. But in reality, it's trying to lure you into doing thing you know you'll regret but can't fight.
So, having depression trying to convince you suicide is a good idea, having your own mind telling you it's not, and having someone trying to force you to be happy is just too much.

Because of all the thoughts pushing through our minds, we're too tired to keep up much of a fight.

Another thing about sadness, is that it's complete different to depression.
Sadness, you have a reason and it can pass by relatively quickly. Depression is different. Sometimes you don't know what your trigger is, and how long it'll take for you to be okay.
That's another reason why we can't be forced to be happy, sometimes we just can't be happy.

However, what you can do for someone with depression is to distract them from their extra voices.
If they don't want it, don't force them.
But, if they don't explicitly tell you to stop, go ahead!
Talk about shows they like, suggest books to them, make them a cup of tea, tell them that embarrassing thing a teacher said, watch weird or random YouTube videos with them, anything to distract them from their own mind.

If you can do those things, then you're being a good friend.
If you can't, either learn to or piss off. It can be sweet, but sometimes it's better if you don't hang around them until you can learn to help your friend.

Being a helpful friend, you might just stop your friends suicide tonight.

~~~~

If you ever need to have a supportive friend, email me on little.kiwi.girl3@gmail.com

I'll always be here my darlings, just hold on. ♡

Can I ask a favour?

I don't really mind what happens to this blog, as long as I can keep posting as a form of therapy, and help people then I'm happy. ♡

But, I want to be able to reach more people, make some friends and help out others in similar situations. ♡

So, now I pose a question.

What sort of stuff should I post about? More advice, more rants, about my day, what? ♡

I'd love to know, I want to be able to branch out to a wider community and help even a little. ♡

Thanks again my darlings, you look stunning today. ♡

Just one word of kindness can make a person's day. ♡

This isn't just for people who suffer though misery.

Everyone deserves to have something nice said to them.

Out of all my posts in my entire blog, I've only gotten one comment. I don't mind, I'm just happy that I can post my thoughts and feelings and advice.
But, this girl told me that my blog meant a lot to her.

That means a lot to me, knowing that I can help someone that might need it.

I had a friend once. We met at a Summer School program, where we got to attend a University for two weeks. He said, "Everybody, in their own way, is incredibly special. And a smile, and a few kind words, can mean a lot."
He was the sweetest little studmuffin I've ever met, and he's not wrong.

Today, I ask you darlings to say a nice thing to someone. You never know, it could be the one thing that made their day. ♡

I love you my darlings, I hope you all have a good day. ♡

Music Advice. ♡

So I came to a conclusion recently.

The way I cope with my depression falls heavily on what sort of music listen to.

I mostly listen to Black Veil Brides and My Chemical Romance, but I listen to an array of other things too.

So, today, I want to talk about the music you chose to listen to when you're feeling depressed.

**clears throat**

When you're down in the dumps, you want to know that you're not the only one feeling these feelings. And that's a completely normal thing to do.
However, sometimes that can do more harm than good.
Personally, my depression has been acting up recently. It's been getting harder to manage by myself, so I've been listening to A LOT of Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge.
After looking through my iTunes and remembering I hadn't listening to BVB's newest album much, I listened to Heart of Fire.
I realised then that my music effects my depression.
Black Veil Brides makes me feel powerful, and Andy's screams helps to calm me down because I feel like he's screaming out for me.
Whereas My Chemical Romance makes me feel normal, like it's okay to be miserable sometimes. And it's okay to not be okay.

But because I had been listening to so much My Chem, my mind wasn't controlling my depression as much because it kept thinking that it's okay to be miserable.

All I can say is...oops.

So, now for the advice part of this rant.

Sit down and think about the music you listen to. Think about how the vocalists voice makes you feel, how the guitars make you relaxed, how the drums rock you to sleep.
Think about all these things, and consider, "is this the sort of music I should be listening to right now?"

If the answer is no, then listen to another band or find a new one. Change it up, or change kid pace. You'll find that it can really change how you think about your depression. ♡

If the answer is yes, then listening away my darling. ♡
And please try to remember what I said when the answer is no.

You music should be helping you, not making your depression take control.

Its okay my darling, it'll get better soon. ♡
And your music will help that. ♡

I'm sorry about my inability to post. ♡

A lot has been happening recently, and I've been finding little time to blog anymore.

For that, I apologise.

To show you how sincere I am, I'm going to post pictures of my recent drawings to show you guys. ♡

I wouldn't call myself an artist, and I'm a little embarrassed by them. But here we go.

~~~~~

If I don't keep up with my blogging, and you want to tell me off or want to have a chat, email me.
little.kiwi.girl3@gmail.com

I'm only able to check them on weekdays, but I'm pretty fast at replying. ♡
I'm here for you my darlings, even if I don't update. ♡

He's been playing his video games more than he's been talking to me at school.

The only time I get to spend time with my boyfriend is at lunch at school, after school on Wednesday, and on the weekend every two weeks.

And recently, he's been playing his stupid video games more than he's been paying attention to me.

We have a friendship group of about 12, and most of them have been ignoring me recently because I'm a miserable piece of shit. My boyfriend is the only one who consistently talks to me at lunch and now I'm losing him too.

This is unfair, I don't have any classes with him so all I want is to talk to him at lunch.

This isn't fair.