Love.

Today, I want to talk about love.
(Possible trigger warnings but it gets sweet in the end)

It hurts, doesn't it. When you love someone but they don't return your feelings. It feels hopeless, doesn't it.

But it doesn't have to be like that.

There will always, always, be someone who loves you. It doesn't have to be an intimate love, like so many people yearn for. It's your family, your friends, your teachers, your co-workers, your pets. It's the little things that matter.
It's asking how your day was, offering to buy you a hot chocolate on a cold day, letting you have their left over McDonald's fries, walking you home when it's out of their way, and so on.

That sort of love, in my mind, is more important than any kind of intimate love.

And that's the love I feel for all of my little darlings. ♡

Today I want to tell you, that I know it can be hard and that you're going through a rough patch in your life. I don't know your name, your story, your experiences, you likes and dislikes, but I know that I love you very much. And I'm very proud of you for trying in this evil world.
Life will beat you down, like it beats everyone down, and all I ask of you my darling, is to please get back up. Every time you get back up, you get stronger, and the world gets weaker.
Its okay if it's hard to get up, and you stay down for a while. If that's the best you can do for now, then I'm proud of you.
If you ever need me my darlings, my email is little.kiwi.girl3@gmail.com and I'll be here for you. ♡
Whenever you feel abandoned or alone, remember that I'm here for you darlings. ♡

Peer pressure from those who are supposed to help.

Possible trigger warnings, don't read unless you feel up to it darling. ♡

So I've only ever had one therapist that I trusted, and years ago she went on maternity leave. Before she left, she told her replacement, "Don't push Angel into anything. Don't force her to come or appointments, or make decisions for her. She's stubborn, and is very opinionated. If you do any of these, it'll do more harm to her than good."
That therapist had to learn that the hard way, she started trying to force me into more appointments but I skipped every one of them. She learned that it was better to do things on my own terms, or there's nothing to discuss.

But my current therapist isn't living up to this.

I've skipped appointments and ignored her for almost a month, because the last time I saw her she brought me to tears because she wouldn't stop trying to force me to do something I didn't want to do.

Tomorrow I'm going to have a meeting with her, and tell her to stop forcing me into thing I don't want to do. I'll try to make it as civil as possible.
But, knowing my foul temper, if she pushes too hard I'll happily tell her where she can stick it. Right up her butt!

(sigh), I'm sorry my darlings that I haven't been posting recently. I've been having a hard time putting my thoughts into words.
And I'm sorry that my first post in a while is so negative.

I promise, I'll post something cute tomorrow. ♡
Have a good night my darling, I love you. Stay strong, for us both. ♡

And I'm officially back on the meds.

Hello my lovelies.
Today I went back on my meds, after nearly a month without.
If there was only one piece of advice I could ever give, the most important thing I think you should know, it would be to not skip out on your antidepressants.

Sure you might not think they work, or they taste gross, or its too much hassle, keep taking them anyway.

The withdrawal symptoms are worse.

I'm a pretty healthy person, besides all my internal chemicals.
That's one of the reasons why I have depression. I get pretty bad headaches and dizzy spells every few days, it's normal for me.
But those, toppled with chemically withdrawal, is hell!

So today my darlings, I ask you to please keep taking your medication. The happiness is worth the hassle. ♡

I love you, stay strong beautiful. ♡

Update; I think I've done a bad thing.

So about 20-30 minutes after I posted my "I think I've done something bad" rant, my boyfriends brother came home.

Apparently, he had come home while we were out in town, and had left to go visit a Games Club in another town.

So, put bluntly, the little turd ran off to say Dungeons and Dragons without telling my boyfriend where he was going.

So luckily it wasn't anyone's fault but his.

That's a massive load off my mind.

I think I've done a bad thing.

So, as you probably know from some of my other posts, I'm currently dating my first boyfriend.
We've been together for about 18 months, so a year and a half.

Today I spent the day at his house, we were mostly home alone. So, like most teenagers with nothing to hold us back, we had...how to put it...some special alone time.

My boyfriend has two siblings, a brother and a sister. His sister has been away for a few weeks, she's been in hospital because of a bad reaction to medication. His brother stays at home most of the time, today he was working.

I have a suspicion that he came home while we were doing it, and perhaps he left to see a friend to wait it out.

However, the time where I live is 1:25am.
We were "shaking the bed" at 4-ish.

His brother has been gone for 9 hours, my boyfriend hasn't been able to contact him at all.

I feel sick to my core. If anything has happened to him, (mind you he's walking not driving), I'd feel so unbelievably horrible.

I've been barely able to keep my anxiety in check, and I'm too worried to sleep.

I apologise for my anxiety ramble, I just needed to get this off my chest before I exploded.
I'm so unbelievably nervous, I doubt I'll sleep tonight.

Today's topic; gratitude.

Today I realised as I rode the bus home from school, that there isn't enough gratitude in the world.

I don't talk to my bus drivers much, but I enjoy the small jokes and talks we have. One of my drivers, an Irish guy, is always making jokes about how I'm the late one and how he's never seen be apart from my boyfriend. I love joking with him.
My other driver is a bit more grumpy, we've talked about how rude the younger riders are and how there's no thank you's.

So I always make it my mission to say thank you when they drop me off, and to say good morning when they pick me up. It isn't much, but it's more than the other commuters are giving.

Today, what I ask of you is to be grateful. If you catch a bus, smile and say thank you. If you ride a bike or walk, wave to the drivers who let you cross the road. If you drive, let the pedestrians cross if the road is busy and they don't have any other openings to cross.

Just a little bit of gratitude can go a long way, and it can mean a lot to people.

Like how grateful I am of you darlings, for fighting the fight and holding on. As always, I'm proud of you for doing a good job. ♡

To those who don't understand mental illness, let me tell you a thing!

This post is being made out of frustration from one of my friends, who means well but doesn't understand.

If you have someone like him, or want to show someone more about their mental illness, be a gem and link it to them. ♡

Now, lets get down to business!
(to defeat the huns)

Mental illness isn't a choice. I can't name a single person who would wake up one morning and think, "today I think I'm gonna be depressed."
In saying that, I wouldn't want anyone to choose that. If someone tried to be depressed, I would smack them so hard! (fyi, I'm a first degree black belt, so that would be one hell of a smack)

Mental illness isn't something we can switch on and off either. Sure, we can be happy sometimes and sad other times. We don't pick and choose, it just happens. You might be at a party with your friends, eating cake and ice-cream, and you could be the saddest you've felt all year. You didn't choose to be sad then, you just are.

That being said, you can't force happiness onto us either. It's a nice gesture to say "awh, no need to be sad, cheer up", but if you push it any more than that, then you deserve a smack.
Suffering from a mental illness, like depression, can sometimes be like having an extra voice in your mind. It whispers to you, its voice can seem as rich and smooth as honey when you're unhappy. But in reality, it's trying to lure you into doing thing you know you'll regret but can't fight.
So, having depression trying to convince you suicide is a good idea, having your own mind telling you it's not, and having someone trying to force you to be happy is just too much.

Because of all the thoughts pushing through our minds, we're too tired to keep up much of a fight.

Another thing about sadness, is that it's complete different to depression.
Sadness, you have a reason and it can pass by relatively quickly. Depression is different. Sometimes you don't know what your trigger is, and how long it'll take for you to be okay.
That's another reason why we can't be forced to be happy, sometimes we just can't be happy.

However, what you can do for someone with depression is to distract them from their extra voices.
If they don't want it, don't force them.
But, if they don't explicitly tell you to stop, go ahead!
Talk about shows they like, suggest books to them, make them a cup of tea, tell them that embarrassing thing a teacher said, watch weird or random YouTube videos with them, anything to distract them from their own mind.

If you can do those things, then you're being a good friend.
If you can't, either learn to or piss off. It can be sweet, but sometimes it's better if you don't hang around them until you can learn to help your friend.

Being a helpful friend, you might just stop your friends suicide tonight.

~~~~

If you ever need to have a supportive friend, email me on little.kiwi.girl3@gmail.com

I'll always be here my darlings, just hold on. ♡